Realised I didn't have a crimbo music playlist on my ipod so I've been a-pillaging and now have 30 modern crimbo tunes lined up and ready to go. Why is it the best christmas tunes came from the 70s and 80s and there's been bugger all of note for the last 20 years?

'Fairytale of New York' is still the greatest crimbo song in the history of ever, closely followed by Darlene Love's 'All Alone On Christmas'. I'm not a big fan of the 'real' classics to be honest. You can keep your Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole quite frankly. They're alright but they're not for me or my ipod. I like my crimbo tunes upbeat for the most part.

Have also been pillaging more 80s music, specifically the few power ballads I've previously forgotton to download. Currently listening to John Farnham and you can blame Merlin for that :p. I'm about to make a massive 80s cheese playlist on my itunes and considering I have practically every last goddamn song from the era it's gonna take a while to go through them all.

Oh yeah, feeling quite normal today. Been going to the flat every day for a little while. Yesterday played some Assassin's Creed 2 while Da' put up the bedroom curtains and hung up some pictures of a chef who looks an awful lot like the bastard annoying Go Compare guy in the kitchen. Dunno if I'll go over there today coz I've got lots to do, but I think tomorrow the hallway's gonna be painted so I'll need to be there for that.

We're currently decking the halls at my folks' place. We have so much christmas shit it's unbelievable :p

So I've taken my first dose of paroxetine in around a week and arranged a schedule with my mental elf team and parents with regards to moving into my flat. I went there today to pick up my post on the way to the chemist. At the moment I'm having to pay £39 a month rent as they overpaid my housing benefit from my last flat thanks to some fucktard at the council who said 'oh, no need to inform the housing benefit people that you don't live there anymore right away'. So I owe them for the next 6 months or something.

The DWP has moved me out of the ESA support group and into the work related activity group. My CPN is not happy about this and is going to talk to the jobcenter about getting me back in the support group for an extra few months. Stupid fucking medical assessments and stupid fucking medical assessment assessors.

I may, on top of everything else, be suffering from benzo withdrawal syndrome. After only 3 weeks on the stuff no less. I overcame my little fling with codeine, I can overcome this too, as much as it will likely suck.

I hope to be sane for christmas :p

Mah mentals is not going too well. I survived the weekend but feel like toasted shit now so mum has been on the phone to the mental elfers and now my CPN is coming tomorrow with paroxetine unless I go crazy at some point tonight and they have to cart me off to Fulbourn in an ambulance (which is looking more likely each and every day now). So I'm going back on the paroxetine again but only 10mg for now.

I really need to smarten up that smutfic sequel I writted and post it on the Teaspoon. Zircon's notes have been sitting in my inbox for like 2 months now and I still haven't gotten round to fixing it up. I suppose it's a good thing I feel like I wanna make wit' de fic of some description. Still planning on finishing up Havaani at some point but I don't think I have the mental fortitude right now. I have some ideas brimming for the next few stories in the series. My brain wants Seven'n'Ace and Rose (and prolly Jack at this point too coz they meet him in the next story after Havaani) to do a heist for great justice. But it might be too soon to do it straight after the next story coz the next story is basically GTA3 meets Blade Runner. And I've got Fenric's return all floating around up in there too somewhere, and I've had Seven'n'Ace's exit stories planned for a while now. Don't you just hate it when you get ahead of yourself?

So yeah, I'm not great but I'm alive and relatively safe and the spark of inspiration is flickering in the hay despite my shitty mood and the fact that sparks don't flicker. Those have got to be plusses, right?

So I guess I'd better be updating yous guys on the whole meds/depression/anxiety deal right?

Well, I was given 7 days of Paroxetine by the visiting headshrinker last Friday as you know, which I've been taking. For 2 days I felt pretty good and managed to lay off the valium completely, but then I started feeling edgy and in the space of a week have used up half of my valium stock, having to double up the dose and waiting up to 3 hours for it to fully kick in. Not a good sign.

On Tuesday I saw the consultant who used to be my consultant before she went off to focus more on research and shifted me onto Mr. Spanish Dude. She was hesistant to put me back on the paroxetine, thinking that my severe depression may have been triggered by the swine flu and because I was taken off the paroxetine for a good reason. I didn't know what to think of this at first, thinking I really did need the meds, so I suggested we give it a couple of weeks without the paroxetine just to check if my mood stabilised naturally.

Well here's my thinking. The paroxetine I was taking may actually have been making me feel worse, as antidepressants tend to do before they fully kick in. Agitation is one of the listed side effects after all. So I finished my prescription on Thursday night and have been paroxetine free for over 24 hours...and I kinda feel better. My anxiety about being on my own is taking a pounding coz my folks are down south until Tuesday so it's just me and currently my brother at home right now, but you know what? I'm weathering it quite well and haven't taken any valium this morning, choosing to let the shakiness subside on its own. Now I'm feeling kinda good. I'm gonna play some San Andreas on the PS2 and keep my blood sugar topped off by consuming copious amounts of 7UP while I do, and hopefully when my borther decides to go out (he's got a meeting for a couple of hours) I'll be fine...and if I'm not then I'll just get over it. The sensations suck but they're just sensations and they won't kill me. Nobody ever died from anxiety.

I showed my CPN my new place and she likes it. We're all gonna get together in a week to discuss a moving in schedule that works for both myself and my folks. This weekend is the first test I guess. My CPN is gonna phone me on Monday to see how I'm doing and I have my crisis plan ready for if I feel like I just can't handle it.

Wish me well and wish me luck guys :p

I received a pretzelly parcel this morning with a lil 'get well soon' note attached!!

Cheers to rembrandt_13

PS...the house number is actually 77 not 74, lolz. Good thing my postman knows where I live and gave me the letter from the parcel company asking me to ring them and confirm the address. But many many many fanks to yoo, chica. That was totes above and beyond the call of duty.

Mental elf peeps came to see me just now. I've been given a weeks worth of 10mg paroxetine tabs to start with as well as 28 2mg diazepam tabs that I can take four times a day as needed while the drugs kick back in. I have to see my personal consultant on Tuesday at 4pm up at the mental elf barracks in Fulbourn for a new prescription and to generally discuss things. Looks like they want me to come off the reboxetine so I'm only to take one tab a day instead of the one and a half I've been taking.

It's a start.

Mental elfers got in touch with me this morning. The earliest I can get in to see one of the professional headshrinkers is Tuesday, so they told me to see my doctor in the meantime.

Saw doctor. We're a bit in the air in regards to what the mental elfers want her to do, so she made sure I have enough benzos to last me tonight and is going to get in touch with them tomorrow morning and then get back in touch with me regarding a prescription or whatever. She also prescribed me some sleeping pills coz I keep waking up several times a night (and generally feel like I've been hit by a truck in the morning), and told me to take one an hour before bed instead of taking a valium. She also instructed me not to kill myself and to ring CamDoc if there are any problems during the night. My doctor's really improved post menopause, I used to dread going to see her but her bedside manner has come on in leaps and bounds...and I'm not the only one who feels that way. Everybody I know who has her as a GP used to hate her, lol.

This is the first time I've felt generally unimpressed by my mental health team. I'll let it pass though coz I'm sure my CPN would've lit a fire under their arses but she's still off sick. I hope it isn't flu.

Overall it's been one of my better days, mentally speaking, but I still greatly appreciate the dog-piling guys, so fang'oo :p

Had to see the emergency doctor again after totes breaking down in front of mum (how embarrassing. As a general rule I do not ever cry. Ever.). Mum phoned my mental elf peeps to let them know I was going to the doctor. I have a stand-in CPN at the mo coz my one is off sick. The emergency doctor phoned my mental elf peeps too to find out what's the what regarding switching my meds. And then he talked to my sister, who drove me to the surgery, before writing me a scrip for more benzos, wot I am to take every 4 hours now instead of every 8 if I need them.

Mental elfers are going to get back to me ASAP tomorrow. Hopefully my CPN will be back at work and be able to bring me lots of lovely drugs so I can start to feel human and normal again.

In the meantime, I'm not allowed to be on my own or near sharp objects or noosable materials. Am waiting for it to turn 10 o'clock so I can take another valium coz I took one at 6 and I'm already starting to feel a bit down...which prolly means I'm suffering from physical dependence alfuckingready coz over the weekend a single dose would see me right for most if not all of the day.

I fucking hate this.

So this whole moving out thing totally happened at the wrong time. I'm only just recovered from the dreaded swine flu and all the joys wot that brung, and I'm still a little congested and coughy. Now it seems my body has recognised that I'm no longer on the Paroxetine and is rebelling accordingly, with bad thoughts and anxiety aplenty. When someone who thrives in their own company is suddenly terrified of being on their own, then you know something's up. It's been so bad I spent most of the day planning my suicide.

This has happened once before, when I went off the Paroxetine AMA coz I stupidly reckoned I didn't need it anymore. Cue a week long panic attack and an out of hours doctor giving me sedatives and urging me to see my doctor the very next day to get back on the pills.

So I phoned Camdoc this arvo and they insisted I come in. I am now rocking the Valium for a week and have been explicitly forbidden from being on my own until I've seen my CPN and my doctor, with a view to getting back on the Paroxetine or something even better. As it'll take around a month for the drugs to kick back in, I'm hoping they'll put me on a beta blocker or somesuch for the duration like they did last time.

Ho hum. Another say in the life of the chronically medicated.

Shapeshifting, coz then I could be anyone any time I wanted. Make life interesting if I ever decided to use my powers for evil :p

Tis Bonfire Night. Alas I am too sick to go and see the firework display on Midsummer Common, but I'll prolly still be able to see it from the window.

So far the dog's been pretty good about the fireworks going off all over the place. That's one less thing to worry about.

I am on a veritable cocktail of drugs at the moment, including Tamiflu. I'm feeling a little bit better. Managed to put off signing the paperwork for the new flat til tomorrow morning, by which time I anticipate feeling a little less like death overall.

So yeah, happy Bonfire Nite. Next up, Christmas...unless you celebrate Thanksgiving.

Okay, firstly I have a major case of the crud. Dunno yet if it's swine flu.

Secondly, I have been offered a flat and it's literally a minute round the corner from my folks' place (it's on the adjoining street), and also a stones throw from the CoOp. Bonus!!
I've just got back from viewing it with mum, and tomorrow morning I gotsta go to Arbury Road to sign all the papers and pay a bit of advance rent before I can send my Da in there with the paint and the carpet tiles.

It's on the ground floor and there's an enclosed garden so I don't have to worry about Fo' Shizz running wild. The rooms are a decent size and the kitchen is tons bigger than my last one, and I've met the guy who lives above me and he doesn't seem like a psycho.

Suffering from terrible insomnia at the moment. I think it might have something to do with recently having my Reboxetine bumped up from 4mg to 6mg. Might also have to do with the fact that I'm in a considerable amount of dental discomfort. I think I may have another infection and might have to see the emergency dentist in order to get some antibiotics. I guess I could try rubbing garlic on the affected area as it's a natural antibiotic, but considering I'm allergic to the bloody stuff I'll no doubt end up feeling worse.

In related medical blatherings, mum wants me to get checked for polycystic ovaries as I appear to have all the symptoms, recently compounded by the fact I haven't had a period in 7 weeks and it shows no sign of popping up any time soon...and it's impossible for me to be pregnant unless I'm somehow carrying the second coming of Christ :p

ETA: Had to go all the way to St. Neots for emergency dental treatment. The good news is there's no infection that they could see. Instead it was a broken filling. So they dressed it, told me to keep taking painkillers and wrote a letter to my regular dentist explaining what they done to mah mouth. I now need to make an appointment to see my dentist coz a bit of work needs doing on top of the broken filling coz my rogue wisdom toofs cracked a bunch of my other teeth and now decay is setting in around the cracks despite my rather brutal brushing regime.

So I went back and rejigged my last piece of Photoshop madness, and now I'm happier with it. A lot happpier in fact as I think this is where I wanted to go with it to begin with, I just didnae know it at the time.



(Background reference material - 'Melbourne at Night' by bphotos'

I contemplated putting in a bit of text, but decided against it in the end as I felt it took the eye away from the focal too much. But now I think about it again I'm sorely tempted to insert something in a comic book font to go with the pulp comic noir thingy I've attempted here. Dunno though, what do you guys think about text? See, there's me thinking I've finished.....

Happy birthday to rembrandt13 and lilly_rose.

Robotique.




Really didn't know what to do with this one after I'd finished filling the chick with hardware, hence the uninspiring backdrop and simple artistic filter overlay. Spending about six hours looking for reference material will kill the inspiration somewhat. This one was a bit of a grind and I'm kinda glad to see the back of it :p. Deffo not my best work.

Just about to start work on a new piece of art. That's four things I've done in the space of a week. That's probably some sort of record.

2 quick and dirty TLG icons.

Made a new desktop wallpaper.




Nifty Seven'n'Ace pic came from AdAbsurdum on DeviantArt.

Feeling inspired this week. Am gonna make some Lone Gunman icons tonight.

This is what I'm currently working on. Don't have a name for it yet. I'm not entirely sure it's finished to be honest, but I thought I'd show you guys that sometimes I make de artwork wot doesn't have anything to do with Seven...although my sister took one look at it and said 'is that supposed to be Ace?'. The answer was no, by the way...but now you come to mention it... :p





(And coz you should always reference your sources: Naked chick reference from rdwarf.com)